Always outnumbered. Generally overdresssed.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Brother Alex writes

One of Brother Alex's art therapy exercises
My good buddy, Brother Alex, the clinically depressed ninja, sends this. I thought it deserved a wider audience:

I'm so fucking bored I thought I'd join Guardian Soulmates after all. Here's my profile, what do you reckon?

I am an extremely attractive male, alluring and mysterious. Everything you could ever dream. And more. I am like a wolf that you want to tame but deep down know that you can’t, and you are ok with that. I am also gentle and sensitive. I am very comfortable with my (hetero)sexuality. My personal hygiene is second to none. I enjoy the music of Michael Bolton, rearing jungle cats and I have a motorcycle. If your application proves unsuccessful and you do not hear from me please don’t be bummed. It’s not you, it’s me. I just have high standards. Soz :( In the words of Jay Z, and later Cher Lloyd from X Factor, “it’s the hard-knock life, for us. It’s the hard-knock life, for us”.

You are an extremely attractive female (at least a 9) who is shorter than me but has a smoking bod. You are not a smoker. You are beautiful on the inside, but more beautiful on the outside. You are from Spain or Italy or Sweden (well spoken English preferred) with a hint of asian that makes you totally hot. You’re like a cross between Virginie Ledoyen when she was in The Beach and Penelope Cruz (in Vanilla Sky) and an asian chick if they merged their genes in a three-way and had a baby and then the baby grew up to be 24 years old. You can be French, but without the attitude, if you are the Nicole type from the Renault ads (come to papa). Also contact me if you are that girl from the Zovirax cold sore cream ad who does aerobics and swimming in her motorcycle helmet, although only if you have never had herpes and you don’t wear a helmet apart from when you are on the back of my motorcycle (I have a motorcycle). But I only have one helmet and I need that one so ironically you probably won’t even wear one then. You keep yourself super tight you do yoga and kickboxing but you are no threat to me at all. Your personal hygiene is second to none. You don’t have any body hair and you love to wear my underwear and also your underwear which is pants with little hearts and bears on and stuff because that is cute and there is no issues there at all. I do not wear yours except on your birthday. You love cooking and also cleaning but you are not obsessive about it. God you dig me so much and you are a good communicator and you never play stupid games or say “do I look fat in this?” or ask me which jeans to wear and then when I pick one pair accuse me of saying you look fat in the other one, and when you’re upset and I ask you what the problem is you never, EVER say “nothing”, you just tell me straight up what the fucking deal is. Above all you understand the difference between me being perfectly fine not spending every waking fucking second with you, and me “not being bothered about seeing you”. You don’t know what PMT is, why would you? You like to call me “daddy” in bed. For a virgin actually you are incredible in bed. You are 24.

Is this you? Call me. No Guardian readers.


Ben said...

Very good.

Write some more stuff like this you lazy cunt.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

i think you'll find little orphan annie is the origin of hard knock life, not jayz.

although jayz would look hot with a red afro.

Theo Izzard-Brown said...

somewhere amongst that prose of burnished gold must be the two (or three) best words that we're looking for. Find them Gordon find them!

Anonymous said...

This should be on Hallmark cards, world wide.

Arif Zulhilmi Bin Abd Rahman said...

You have a very nice blog. :)

Manny minds said...

I was really impressed on how you put those words together,and I am entertained too.

phoebe higgins said...

turns out, I'm her. but you're not him...bummer.