Always outnumbered. Generally overdresssed.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Crunchy fun

Regular readers will know what a big fan I am of the Innocent Tone of Voice©. I don't even find it insane or anything. So it's with some sadness that I came to hear that Innocent are having to down-size by 25% as a result of the recession. Obviously there's nothing funny about being made redundant, I should know, but it does provide an opportunity to marvel at the versatility of the ITOV©. Is there anything you can't do with it?

Dear XXXXX,

We know you've been working for us for a while, and we just wanted to say that we like you, you're a lovely person, and it goes without saying that any member of the Innocent family is a real treasure.

As you may have heard on the news (boring), there's been a nasty bit of recession going on. We're afraid to say that even Innocent Towers is not immune (although we are immune to woodland magic).

Sometimes no matter how nice you are, you end up having to do some rather nasty things, that's just the way life is. We didn't design life, if we had done we would have made it nicer, take our word for it. But that's another story.

Anyway, because of this belt-tightening and cloth-trimming, we're going to have to terminate your employment with immediate effect.

We hope that we can still be friends, and if you see us driving by in the Innocent van, you might stop and lean at the window for a chat for old time's sake. But apart from that, we will need you to return any equipment you may have in your possession. Also, we'd just like to remind you, in a nice way, of your confidentiality agreement with us. So don't go nattering our business over your garden fence - jabber-chops.

Ok, so we will need you to go really soon. Like by the end of the day. Otherwise we'll have to send security round to haul you out onto the Uxbridge Road.*

We do really like you though. And don't forget for a minute how nice we are.

So yeah, unlucky, bye!

Innocent Drinks Plc.

*(Only joking. Sort of.)

9 comments:

Tom Fun said...

Downsizing? "Nightmare!" That was too good, GC, too good.

dangermain said...

uncanny

Gordon Comstock said...

Well aren't you approachable? You don't need a copywriter do you? I only live round the corner.

Anonymous said...

I'd just like to say this was my idea.

K

dangermain said...

Come in for a cup of tea. It would be nice to meet. I like your blog a lot.

Tom said...

This reminded us of a lovely long copy ad we featured on our blog last year:

http://ideasbrothers.net/?p=51

A man from a local cult called round the other day and had exactly the same brilliant tone of voice - we're not ashamed to say we ended up giving him most of our money!

Tom & Rob

Gordon Comstock said...

Tom & Rob - Please stop being funnier than me.

Pauly said...

Very amusing. I like the Innocent tone of voice too> Funny how they never manged to capture it their plonky advertising though.

Also, don't you hate it when corporate giants impersonate the
IToV : eg Barclays in branch signage- "Want a pen?...hey, like take the pen dude - it's like totally yours!"

fuck off.

CarsmileSteve said...

@pauly yes, i like a bank that doesn't hide the fact that they're a bunch of money-grubbing bloody nazis...

mark's been having problems too: http://www.mjhibbett.net/2009/02/bank-in-hopelessly-incompetent-shocker.html