Crunchy fun

Regular readers will know what a big fan I am of the Innocent Tone of Voice©. I don't even find it insane or anything. So it's with some sadness that I came to hear that Innocent are having to down-size by 25% as a result of the recession. Obviously there's nothing funny about being made redundant, I should know, but it does provide an opportunity to marvel at the versatility of the ITOV©. Is there anything you can't do with it?

Dear XXXXX,

We know you've been working for us for a while, and we just wanted to say that we like you, you're a lovely person, and it goes without saying that any member of the Innocent family is a real treasure.

As you may have heard on the news (boring), there's been a nasty bit of recession going on. We're afraid to say that even Innocent Towers is not immune (although we are immune to woodland magic).

Sometimes no matter how nice you are, you end up having to do some rather nasty things, that's just the way life is. We didn't design life, if we had done we would have made it nicer, take our word for it. But that's another story.

Anyway, because of this belt-tightening and cloth-trimming, we're going to have to terminate your employment with immediate effect.

We hope that we can still be friends, and if you see us driving by in the Innocent van, you might stop and lean at the window for a chat for old time's sake. But apart from that, we will need you to return any equipment you may have in your possession. Also, we'd just like to remind you, in a nice way, of your confidentiality agreement with us. So don't go nattering our business over your garden fence - jabber-chops.

Ok, so we will need you to go really soon. Like by the end of the day. Otherwise we'll have to send security round to haul you out onto the Uxbridge Road.*

We do really like you though. And don't forget for a minute how nice we are.

So yeah, unlucky, bye!

Innocent Drinks Plc.

*(Only joking. Sort of.)